CLEAN Jokes

Ordering a Pizza in 2022

CALLER:

Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:

I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:

No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:

Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:

Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:

What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:

How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Chemistwhorehouse, 4 months ago.

CALLER:

I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:

I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:

I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:

WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:

I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future 🤖

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Replies

  • Let me introduce you to: ‘The Sofa Hound’

    Developed through a careful breeding program in the mid 20th Century, and only recently recognized by the Australian Dog Breeding Association, the sofa hound’s calm demeanor, as the breed can display lightning speed reactions to the sound of the opening of a refrigerator door.

    main-qimg-5fa9a436c2d1121e4bb98f710700fed2-lq
    • My Stephanie prefers her recliner 

      10933933480?profile=RESIZE_930x

      • Looks like Stephanie has an easy life Slugg . Ha. She would be an excellent companion I am sure.

        • Steffy won't eat her giblets unless they've warmed up with gravy, maybe a little spoiled 

          • It's not overspoiling until they eat off your plate before you . 

    • That dog could have learnt this technique from any of us watching the footy or cricket. My ears prick lol when anyone opens the fridge .

  • Nice!

  • There was a dog called Rover that belonged to a pub owner. Rover was very popular with the customers, and often given a nip of brandy that caused his tail to wag. One day poor rover died and so as to remember him they had his tail mounted in a glass case above the bar.

    Well Rover gets to Doggy Heaven and St Peter says “we cannot allow dogs in without a tail” so poor rover goes back down to the pub to try and get his tail back he arrives at the pub late at night, and the landlord hears this ghostly barking and scratching at the door so opens up and there is Rover.

    “I need my tail back so I can get into heaven”.

    The Landlord replies “Sorry Rover but I will lose my licence if I am caught retailing spirits at this time of night”.   

  • Old couple in heaven. 

    The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

    Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

    Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

    One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

    They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

    He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

    They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

    The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

    ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

    The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

    ‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.

    ‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

    ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

    The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

    ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

    That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

    The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

    ‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

    ‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

    ‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

    The old man glared at his wife and said,

    ‘You and your damn Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

    • LOL Like it.

      10945367692?profile=RESIZE_400x

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Latest comments

MeelK replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"I'd sign for that."
5 hours ago
LB replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"Look i think it is more than just being put on the Wing. I think Flanno is a reason. Wanting to play semi's is another.
I think a move away will be an awakening for Lomax. He was on with Fltech and Hindy with Lawrie in 2022 and he mimicked Griffin.…"
6 hours ago
AlShaw replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"600k is OK for the right winger. The Panthers sets are built on what their back 3 do on tackle one. The more momentum at the start of a set the more expansive a team can play but if our back three are getting smashed on tackle one and two it puts…"
6 hours ago
Uncle Wizards Sleeve indigenous elder He/Him replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"Agree , need to keep him. "
6 hours ago
Marty replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"We'll just been watching Matty John's Late, Hindy n Fletch interviewing Dragons - Lawrie, Lomax n Coach son, gotta say Lawrie n Lomax complete fuckwits. Coach son was pretty cool but other two prime nobs
Dragons can keep Lomax cause we have a No…"
6 hours ago
Nightmare Off-Season replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"Which is why I asked what you consider expensive? Would you say 500k? 600k?
If these players at up to 600k are classy & not expensive, it's a pretty small window reliant on what's available?
Which brings us back to the development angle, and that…"
6 hours ago
AlShaw replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"Yep winger or fullback"
7 hours ago
Nightmare Off-Season replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"For sure, as mentioned, 800k & there's no way the Eels will look at him. 600-650k, is possibly a different story. As you mentioned with salary cap, those centres might've been 600k but that was decent coin also.
100% agree though that it all depends…"
7 hours ago
AlShaw replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"I didn't say classy, I said expensive 
2020 I don't believe Chambers was at the Storm, Olam was on his first cheap contract out of the Qcup and Brenko Lee was also cheap 
Latrell and Manu weren't on huge money, not back then. They were still on…"
7 hours ago
EA replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"I think we need to find a winger not a centre. I just don't see how signing Lomax helps with our long term planning of the club. If Talagi does well at 5/8 we will want him to play centre when Moses is back or at a minimum play him at 14. However by…"
7 hours ago
LB replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"And an order of spring rolls, dim sims, Mongolian Lamb and prawn chips from Canterbury Leagues Chinese restaurant."
7 hours ago
KENDOZA replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"No way penrith let him go"
7 hours ago
LB replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"More so it is a cautionary tale of purchasing players Melbourne do not want. I still think though Bellamy would not give up NAS for Lomax when he is that desperate for middles. He will lean on NAS experience towards finals."
7 hours ago
LB replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"I can see what Al is saying. Not so much last time a team won with a great Centre, but a Centre on $800k. None of those Centres listed were on more than $600k i would imagine. But also the cap has risen massively over the past 5 years, meaning the…"
7 hours ago
EA replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"Yep we need a winger more than a centre 100%. "
7 hours ago
EA replied to Cʜɪᴇғ -'s discussion Big News On Lomax
"Ogden, Makatoa are very replaceable given BA ability to improve forwards. As much as I want to keep Grieg, we need Lomax more than we need Grieg. I would honestly just offload Sanders. It makes sense. He doesn't want to stay and Dragons need a…"
7 hours ago
More…

 

Big News On Lomax

The inside information and this is from a credible source,  - This Saturday will be the last game Lomax will play in the red V.  Make of this what you will.  Parramatta are odds on and have made it known through the media that we are after…

Read more…
85 Replies · Reply by MeelK 5 hours ago
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