CLEAN Jokes

Ordering a Pizza in 2022

CALLER:

Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:

I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:

No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:

Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:

Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:

What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:

How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Chemistwhorehouse, 4 months ago.

CALLER:

I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:

I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:

I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:

WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:

I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future 🤖

You need to be a member of 1Eyed Eel to add comments!

Join 1Eyed Eel

Votes: 0
Email me when people reply –

Replies

  • Let me introduce you to: ‘The Sofa Hound’

    Developed through a careful breeding program in the mid 20th Century, and only recently recognized by the Australian Dog Breeding Association, the sofa hound’s calm demeanor, as the breed can display lightning speed reactions to the sound of the opening of a refrigerator door.

    main-qimg-5fa9a436c2d1121e4bb98f710700fed2-lq
    • My Stephanie prefers her recliner 

      10933933480?profile=RESIZE_930x

      • Looks like Stephanie has an easy life Slugg . Ha. She would be an excellent companion I am sure.

        • Steffy won't eat her giblets unless they've warmed up with gravy, maybe a little spoiled 

          • It's not overspoiling until they eat off your plate before you . 

    • That dog could have learnt this technique from any of us watching the footy or cricket. My ears prick lol when anyone opens the fridge .

  • Nice!

  • There was a dog called Rover that belonged to a pub owner. Rover was very popular with the customers, and often given a nip of brandy that caused his tail to wag. One day poor rover died and so as to remember him they had his tail mounted in a glass case above the bar.

    Well Rover gets to Doggy Heaven and St Peter says “we cannot allow dogs in without a tail” so poor rover goes back down to the pub to try and get his tail back he arrives at the pub late at night, and the landlord hears this ghostly barking and scratching at the door so opens up and there is Rover.

    “I need my tail back so I can get into heaven”.

    The Landlord replies “Sorry Rover but I will lose my licence if I am caught retailing spirits at this time of night”.   

  • Old couple in heaven. 

    The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

    Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

    Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

    One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

    They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

    He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

    They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

    The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

    ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

    The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

    ‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.

    ‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

    ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

    The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

    ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

    That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

    The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

    ‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

    ‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

    ‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

    The old man glared at his wife and said,

    ‘You and your damn Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

    • LOL Like it.

      10945367692?profile=RESIZE_400x

This reply was deleted.

Latest comments

The Badger replied to Eel Nut's discussion Latrell and Wighton charged after brawl in Canberra
"Wiz, I think the auto stand down policy only comes into effect if the potential sentence is 5 years plus. This is a GBB at worse. Probably a fine and no conviction recorded.
I've heard that the NRL is waiting until the court outcome."
2 minutes ago
Parra fan on The Hill replied to MontoEel's discussion Reed Mahoney's Doubts about Bulldogs
"What are we going to do if Hodgson busts his knee again should be the question."
6 minutes ago
HKF replied to LB's discussion First trial; Who are we excited to watch?
"Russell is afullback"
9 minutes ago
The Badger replied to LB's discussion First trial; Who are we excited to watch?
"I find this interesting. (in a weird way)
If that's the case, why would he be paraded around at the season launch as part of the 2023 NRL squad? I mean, what's the point of that?"
15 minutes ago
iamnot replied to MontoEel's discussion Reed Mahoney's Doubts about Bulldogs
"I'm looking forward to seeing what the Dogs do when his shoulder blows out again. "
18 minutes ago
Parra fan on The Hill replied to MontoEel's discussion Reed Mahoney's Doubts about Bulldogs
"According to wiki we made a final offer of 1,5 mil over 3 but he decided to take the dogs money. I get that. That's an extra 450 K over the 3. I get he left for the money. Personally, I'm a man who holds a grudge so if I was left by the bins as he…"
20 minutes ago
Poppa replied to MontoEel's discussion Reed Mahoney's Doubts about Bulldogs
"I can see where you are coming from Wiz and don't disagree (not that I mind losing Reed).
Couple of things ....Reed is a hog, always has been, single handedly lost us a u /21 Grand Final. His obvious overcalling of Moses is another issue.
Finally…"
23 minutes ago
Poppa replied to Eel Nut's discussion Latrell and Wighton charged after brawl in Canberra
"LOL Bert,  you don't know me very well....Tech Savy? I remember Phil Sim adjusting the print on a post I made because it was so small, I had no idea how I did it.
I think I have made it clear that the nursing home is imaginery, so not sure where you…"
44 minutes ago
Wizards Sleeve replied to MontoEel's discussion Reed Mahoney's Doubts about Bulldogs
"I knew from reading on here that his oldies are devoted Eels fans. Makes you wonder what exactly has happened behind the scenes with this move, hey.  You wouldn't think an extra 50k per year would be enough to entice a player who was brought up…"
49 minutes ago
Frank The Tank replied to Phil Gould's discussion Will Benji succeed into a good coach?
"No chance"
1 hour ago
Poppa replied to Eel Nut's discussion Latrell and Wighton charged after brawl in Canberra
"Well put Analyst."
1 hour ago
Poppa replied to Eel Nut's discussion Latrell and Wighton charged after brawl in Canberra
"I think you just knocked that for "six" FM, great work and Taddy and Maggie and also for Victor.....take note most of the vitrolic on here is really about Mitchell......then you can ask the question are they playing the man rather than the ball. Why…"
1 hour ago
Wizards Sleeve replied to Eel Nut's discussion Latrell and Wighton charged after brawl in Canberra
"Your point is rubbish as usual.  Show me a white player in the last decade that got arrested , fought with police and the NRL doesn't whack a suspension on them. Till then you're really going to struggle to show us that these clowns haven't been…"
1 hour ago
Poppa replied to Eel Nut's discussion Latrell and Wighton charged after brawl in Canberra
"Nothing Tad, everyone loves you, your still a left wing "nutter".There's plenty out there that wear their heart on their sleeve, nothing wrong with that.....just live with the destinction.I'm sure you would prefer to be a left wing nutter than an…"
1 hour ago
Poppa replied to Eel Nut's discussion Latrell and Wighton charged after brawl in Canberra
"Maggie you argue your points well but like a lot of arguments we as human beings become absolute. The examples you parade are not absolute but the fact cannot be denied that the "race card" gets a lot of play time across many examples in our…"
1 hour ago
Wizards Sleeve replied to Eel Nut's discussion Latrell and Wighton charged after brawl in Canberra
"Not even remotely close examples. You forgot the part about being arrested and fighting police trying to arrest them. "
1 hour ago
More…

CLEAN Jokes

Ordering a Pizza in 2022CALLER:Is this Pizza Hut?GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza.CALLER:I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.GOOGLE:No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.CALLER:OK. I would like to order a pizza.GOOGLE:Do you want your…

Read more…
95 Replies · Reply by Tad 10 hours ago
Views: 769

Pool question.

Around the pool - Concrete vs Eko decking  ? Have had a concrete Plungie Max pool plonked in the ground , approx sitting 300mm above ground level and am torn between concreting around it or Eko decking .  anyone able to share their experiences with…

Read more…
24 Replies · Reply by Flow Basket Dec 28, 2022
Views: 313

 

Dylan Brown arm infection

Eels star recovering from arm infection after Bali mishaphttps://static.ffx.io/images/$width_144%2C$height_144/t_crop_fill/q_86%2Cf_auto/90acd1ac859491090152eb38901f644721609965 2x" alt="Adam Pengilly" width="72" height="72" />ByAdam…

Read more…
8 Replies · Reply by Frank The Tank 9 hours ago
Views: 631

<script src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"></script>
<!-- Sidebar -->
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<script>// <![CDATA[
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});
// ]]></script>