CLEAN Jokes

Ordering a Pizza in 2022

CALLER:

Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:

I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:

No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:

Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:

Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:

What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:

How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Chemistwhorehouse, 4 months ago.

CALLER:

I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:

I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:

I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:

WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:

I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future 🤖

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Replies

  • Let me introduce you to: ‘The Sofa Hound’

    Developed through a careful breeding program in the mid 20th Century, and only recently recognized by the Australian Dog Breeding Association, the sofa hound’s calm demeanor, as the breed can display lightning speed reactions to the sound of the opening of a refrigerator door.

    main-qimg-5fa9a436c2d1121e4bb98f710700fed2-lq
    • My Stephanie prefers her recliner 

      10933933480?profile=RESIZE_930x

      • Looks like Stephanie has an easy life Slugg . Ha. She would be an excellent companion I am sure.

        • Steffy won't eat her giblets unless they've warmed up with gravy, maybe a little spoiled 

          • It's not overspoiling until they eat off your plate before you . 

    • That dog could have learnt this technique from any of us watching the footy or cricket. My ears prick lol when anyone opens the fridge .

  • Nice!

  • There was a dog called Rover that belonged to a pub owner. Rover was very popular with the customers, and often given a nip of brandy that caused his tail to wag. One day poor rover died and so as to remember him they had his tail mounted in a glass case above the bar.

    Well Rover gets to Doggy Heaven and St Peter says “we cannot allow dogs in without a tail” so poor rover goes back down to the pub to try and get his tail back he arrives at the pub late at night, and the landlord hears this ghostly barking and scratching at the door so opens up and there is Rover.

    “I need my tail back so I can get into heaven”.

    The Landlord replies “Sorry Rover but I will lose my licence if I am caught retailing spirits at this time of night”.   

  • Old couple in heaven. 

    The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

    Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

    Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

    One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

    They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

    He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

    They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

    The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

    ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

    The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

    ‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.

    ‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

    ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

    The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

    ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

    That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

    The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

    ‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

    ‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

    ‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

    The old man glared at his wife and said,

    ‘You and your damn Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

    • LOL Like it.

      10945367692?profile=RESIZE_400x

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Latest comments

Tad replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"David having the Indians " colonize" Australia will confuse many as we struggle with India Day and another holiday and new flag "
18 minutes ago
Poppa replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"There is a bigger picture for you to analyse other than Jonestown Randy......... how you want to accept that is subjective.
Personally I thought it was a great promotion as a season opener and the public relations are nothing but positive for the…"
25 minutes ago
Tad replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"Sorry Randy FTFY .?
Simply throwing this up as lots of differing opinions depending from where you are coming from. Hoping it can help see how complicated things can be depending where we are all coming from."
31 minutes ago
iamnot replied to Mac5733's discussion Vegas 2025 opener!!
"Well, the NRL have come out and said that teams need to be 'Vegas worthy', whatever that means. This is of course contradictory to their previous statement saying that all 17 (or 18) teams will get rotated through during the 5 years. 
I expect…"
44 minutes ago
Randy Handlinger replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"That depends Tad. Am I smacking Leniu or Mam in the chops?
I ask as i feel there would be differing repurcussions
 "
49 minutes ago
Randy Handlinger replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"I have seen Aus reporting on this a lot
I have seen english reporting on this a little
I have seen NO American reporting. Zero fucks given about the whole shebang
We are drinking our own koolaid
 "
54 minutes ago
Randy Handlinger replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"Some cowards would call him a coward if he did nothing?
FTFY Tad"
56 minutes ago
Randy Handlinger replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"David, the biggest thing holding Skippy back (we are not going down at a rate of knots you fucking panty buncher) is the twats like you being dragged kicking, screaming and whining into the 21st century, determined to stoke division along the way
 "
59 minutes ago
Randy Handlinger replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"david,  your putrid words are welcome here, as they tag you for what you are, a scared ignorant dribbler of the lowest order. Remove the Wogs from Australia and we collapse, remove you and no one bats an eye....
 "
1 hour ago
LB replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"This is an issue and is a bad look for the game out of all games. The NRL were selling a product to another country "Hey, come and watch our game, you will love it".
For a country so hellbent on ending racism, having riots caused by racism. For them…"
1 hour ago
Tad replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"Some people would call him a coward if he did nothing?"
1 hour ago
Tad replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"What takes more courage standing up for your self and a cause around racism and the public repercussions from this or smacking someone in the mouth?"
1 hour ago
Poppa replied to Mac5733's discussion Vegas 2025 opener!!
"Foresight and Vision can be transversed in many way's and directions Heisen. Those two I would class as true visionaries."
1 hour ago
Poppa replied to Mac5733's discussion Vegas 2025 opener!!
"You obviously live in a vacuum CE,  the crowd was good but if you read some of the smaller print you will realise that was only part of the equation.......I am not going to explain it to you as you are the classical "do not understand that you don't…"
1 hour ago
LB replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"Well Fakey, i say to that people take things different ways. There are no right way to approach this for someone who is the victim. It could be traumatic for him, maybe heard it so many times and to be disrespected like that again could be too much.…"
1 hour ago
Parra fan on The Hill replied to Cumberland Eel's discussion Leniu Calls Mam a Monkey
"Exactly. Called you a monkey? Go in next chance with a swinging arm. Then tell people why you did it. I'd rather him lose a couple teeth to remember me than Leniu cop a potential suspension. It would well worth it. Well it would for me. I reckon…"
2 hours ago
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