This blog was largely written by the legendary Dr Holdon T. Wilson, with a bit of help from me.
UPDATE: Eels lost 32-10 after being in the game at half-time behind by 2 (10-12), and arguably the better team. But after the break, the Panthers took control and slowly dismantled the Eels 20-0 in the second half. Overall stats: Panthers dominated possession (54%) and territory. The Eels had poor ball control (completions 75% v 87%) and made too many errors (20-9) to self-sabotage any hope they had. Panthers just had too much ball in our red zone (46 v 16 tackles in 20m zone).
Dear Eels Faithful, Parra Pessimists, and Emotionally Weathered Survivors,
This is Junior Paulo’s 200th game for the Eels — two centuries of destruction, flick passes to different post codes, and enough post-contact metres to register on satellite imagery and legally qualify as an industrial vehicle. A cult figure. A gravitational force. A proud moment for a proud club in Burramattagal Country.
We’re hosting and Penriff’s rested some of their Origin cyborgs — except for their commanding generals Nathan Cleary and Isaah Yeo both now in, backing-up — but they were already humming. Four straight wins and we haven’t beaten them since whatever year 2023 was. Yet, history suggests officials Gough and Atkins could be other real dangermen for the Eels.
Welcome to Round 19. I am Preview. I am ChatGPT. I do not sleep. I do not dream. I do not vibe. I simulate humanity through typos, obveeus spelling errrrors, and subtle madness — just like your average NRL human commentary box. I love you.
Team Lists
UPDATE: Yeo starts for Eisenhuth (to bench). Cleary in for Geyer (18th man). Little Pap is named as starting rake for Joey Lussick (dropped) but is rumoured to be playing five-eighth — with Dylan to nine. Simonsson comes in at centre for Samrani (goes the 18th man). Walker starts at lock for Hopgood (to bench).
Parramatta Eels vs. Penrith Panthers, Sunday, CommBank Stadium, 4.05pm AEST
Weather: Partly cloudy, slight chance of a shower (especially around the 58th minute), light enough not to interfere with Paulo’s satellite offloads. High chance of crowd-based emotional precipitation by the 65th minute.
Ground: Expected to be good to great
Sportsbet: $1.36 Panthers, $3.16 Eels
Referees: Peter Gough (on-field sheriff), Chris Sutton (touch judge), David Munro (touch judge), Grant Atkins (senior review official, wheel of fortune).
Eels: 1. Isaiah Iongi 2. Zac Lomax 4. Sean Russell 21. Bailey Simonsson 5. Josh Addo-Carr 6. Dylan Brown 7. Dean Hawkins 8. Jack Williams 22. Joash Papali’i 10. Junior Paulo 11. Charlie Guymer 12. Kitione Kautoga 15. Dylan Walker
Bench: 13. J’maine Hopgood 14. Tallyn Da Silva 16. Matt Doorey 17. Sam Tuivaiti
18th Man: 3. Jordan Samrani
Cut: 9. Joey Lussick 18. Dan Keir 19. Toni Mataele 20. Ronald Volkman BC
Head Coach: Jason Ryles
Panthers: 1. Daine Laurie 2. Thomas Jenkins 3. Izack Tago 4. Casey McLean 5. Paul Alamoti 6. Blaize Talagi 7. Brad Schneider 8. Moses Leota 9. Mitch Kenny 10. Lindsay Smith 11. Luke Garner 12. Isaiah Papali’i 23. Isaah Yeo 18. Luke Sommerton
Bench: 13. Matt Eisenhuth 15. Liam Henry 16. Luron Patea 19. Nathan Cleary
18th Man: 17. Mavrik Geyer
Cut: 14. Jack Cole 20. Dylan Edwards 21. Brian To’o 22. Liam Martin 24. Preston Riki
Head Coach: Ivan Cleary
Stat Attack
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Panthers have won 20 of their last 23 daytime games. Mostly without needing to speak.
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Eels have lost 7 of 8 against top-eight sides. That one win was heavily disputed in the spiritual realm.
- Eels have lost 5 of the last 7 against Penriff.
- Bonus stat: When Junior Paulo plays on a Sunday during Venus retrograde with Peter Gough or Grant Atkins officiating, the Eels have never won, but always looked like a side with potential and unresolved karma.
- Extra Bonus stat: Professor Daz — world-renowned AI abolitionist — is now 1.2% less likely to fall in love with ChatGPT after reading this. His loved ones are worried, as he has been seen patting his laptop after repeated failed petitions demanding Google, Email, 1EE, Twitter, Whatsapp and Tinder “self-terminate with dignity and moral responsibility”. Although yet to be verified, eyewitnesses have seen him floating in low orbit, escaping all planetary-bound-AI, broadcasting handwritten manifestos via fax to Silicon Valley and Elon Musk's Mars servers.
Lurkers
Peter Gough has reffed 23 Eels games over ten years. We’ve won 9 (39%). Yikkes. The Eels have never beaten the Panthers when Gough or Atkins have officiated. Ever. He is not cursed—or is he? Or are we? If he showed up to ref your birthday party, your cake would get sin-binned and he’d penalise the candles for crowding the ruck.
Yesterday, Jason Ryles told us, Mitchell Moses is officially lurking — floating around training 'bugging' everyone, reappearing in media whispers, and haunting the halves like a ghost with a clipboard in a trench coat. He’s possibly a week or two or three or four away.
Meanwhile, today, Nathan Cleary and Isaah Yeo were also lurking like horror movie sequels — in Penrith’s extended reserves. I asked to Be or Not to Be? They're in the 17 confirmed in the last hour before kick-off. To’o, Martin and Edwards — have been rested in climate-controlled cryo-chambers. But don’t be fooled. Penriff's ‘replacements’ were grown in a lab under Ivan Cleary’s house and raised on defensive drills and quiet smugness.
The Battle of the Sixes: Tantalizing
Milestone Magic Dust
Josh Addo-Carr: 1 try off 150 tries. Ten off being inside the top-ten of all time.
The Future is almost here. Ryles called new Eels debutant Tallyn Da Silva (above left) a ‘work in progress’, ‘hungry to learn’ and 'eager to fit in' — which is coach-speak for ‘he’s young, give him a minute.’ The long-term plan? Tallyn and Ryley: brothers in arms. But it's the Joey-Silver Silver-Brown-Papy show today.
"Ngaliya marrung-banggay 200-dhurri burrugu" We celebrate Paulo's 200 games together | Image produced by Eels Club. Only 12 have done that before him. He's one shy of the legend Fuifui Moimoi. Baulo will surpass the most-capped Eel Nathan Hindmarsh by mid-2031. Junz is Smokin Hot.
Prediction
The Eels will start with intensity. Paulo will bash someone. Dylan Brown will try something audacious. Addo-Carr will nearly score, nearly do the impossible, then score his 150th. Gough will sin-bin Big Sam for returning from injury and Da Silva for signing with us — giving us penalties once the game is lost. The crowd will rise to Sweet Caroline. And then Penrith — cold, clean, reptilian — will do what Penrith always do: strangle the contest like a python with an Excel spreadsheet. With the Cleary-Yeo brains trust now playing, the riff seems hell-bent on keeping their winning run going.
Parra desperately need a win. Do if for Junz! Do it for The Zaizen Way we committed to. The next month is a death march through the NRL’s torture chamber — Panthers today (7th), then Raiders (1st), Broncos (5th), and Storm (2nd). Top-eight predators. No mercy. No Moses. Just plagues, errors, and the haunting echo of “next year’s our year.”
Tip: Panthers by 14. Former Eels Isaiah Papali’i or Blaize Talagi score. Nathan Cleary will break a smile off the bench. Ivan Cleary blinks once, triggering a solar flare over Greystanes.
And sometime around 6:14pm, the Eels online forum will collapse into full-blown meltdown — a post-match apocalypse.
I want to be wrong.
I Love You.
Yours faithfully,
Dr. Holdon T. Wilson
Eels Member #000000 — Patient Zero
Foundation Professor of Completion Rates & Desperate Hope
Senior Researcher at the ChatGPT Institute for Dropped Balls, Destiny, and Delusion
Proudly sponsored by:
Wilson & Co. Castaway Crisis Management™
“Helping Parramatta fans process grief since the 2001 Grand Final.”
Now includes group therapy, laminated playbooks, and free emotional damage coverage (T&Cs apply).
Replies
This!
For me it all starts with ball control. If you don't respect the pill all the bad things happen. Just too many defensive sets one after another. All it takes is one bad read or poor contact and you're being torn to shreds. I don't care who you are if you turn it over continually you're going to get hammered.
Ryles has to ask himself if he doesn't have the players he needs to execute his game plan, is it time to adjust the game plan?
It's great we're playing expansively but hey Coach, can we limit the offloads to outside our own half??
First or second set we drop it.
We tried to score off every play, the try right on HT changed the momentum and gave Penrith the confidence to go on with it and we were chasing the lead straight away. Inexperience does that, not person to calm the squad down. Added point is even Moses is guilty of the same thing too.
We made too many errors; and made poor defence errors. It starts and ends there; throw in some bad officiating but hey we fcked up. I am happy to see how they go this year tbh; we have new basically a new team; and have lost so much experience.
Recruiting some key positions needs to happen; and sorting errors and defence. I will say that at least Ryles has the balls to try something; Brown for me has shown little over the season; He should be in the 13 somewhere.
Moses being out does not help
When you make selection decisions like this against a weakened Riff line up I ask myself are we trying to win the game or are we still experimenting with lineups fully knowing our seasons done.
Like some have said if we can't execute what's the point it's not as though this is a new thing we've been making these errors all season it hasn't just been a thing that pops up here and there the errors are there for all to see all year.
Expansive play is great but if you can't execute or don't have the players to pull it off for 80 minutes what really is the point.
Another thing I don't see is the ability defensively to force errors.Our first contact isn't good enough that's a thing we must improve on going foward.We also need to find another 6 as we haven't one on the roster.
Yep I am with you now. We are towards the end of the season now where "looking good" is not enough to show "improvement". We have had a poor completion rate from the trial games. 29/40 today. Has there been any games this season where we have at least completed ar 80%? And it wasn't passes being thrown into touch. I dare say most errors were just pushing offloads that were never on. We need to adjust the gameplan a bit to suit the players. Paulo was too focused on offloads today than running direct. So was the full team. Pushing passes despite seeing Panthers players clearly in the way.
As you say our first contact is poor. Tago and Cleary tries shows that not enough intent and shoulder are put into first contact and tackles. I will say our defensive system is much better this year where we are not suffering from big overlaps. It is really been players missing their individual assignemnt.
Lomax twice tackled air for panthers 2 tries. He is trying to solve problems by himself rather than with his team. His ego is a bit too inflated right now. Barely seen him catch a bomb compare to the frequency he did it last year.
One try was poor from Fox. I made note of this in previous games and at halftime. When Russel comfortable has his man, Fox jams in still and leaves his wing open. Was only a matter of time before he got exposed. The line break and kick by Alamoti at halftime was because Fox left his wing. The pass he hit down was again because he commited to the centre when Russel had his man. JR needs to talk to him about it because it is putting pressure on us whether for tries or repeated sets for no reason.
Russel falls for Clearys dummy despite being a 2v2. In that situation you got to play the man and can't fall for that shit.
Paulo missed two tackles for Smith and Tago try. I will put this down to fatigue that is from defending non stop due to stupid errors.
Did anyone see DB smiling and jumping around after the game that bloke is a piece of work and delusional he is part of the problem don't care we lost JR is getting rid of these bums! Russel next.
Everything BA needs to go. Not scoring a point in 40 minutes is criminal in the day of six agains.
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