It seems things are starting to heat up a bit between some of the members,so I thought I'd start a comedy blog to lighten things up a bit.Try and keep the jokes reasonably clean,so those with delicate constitutions don't take offence.
What is the difference between "fat" and "cholesterol" ?......Most blokes don't wake up with a cholesterol.
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute in a bath-tub?...One has a soul full of hope,the other has a hole full of soap.
What is the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? ...One mucks about in a fountain,the other f***s about on a mountain.
A bloke is walking down the street in Belfast and suddenly feels a gun in his back."Quick,what are you,Protestant or Catholic?". The bloke sighs in relief,"neither actually,I'm jewish".The voice starts laughing,"Well that must make me the luckiest arab in Ireland".
A Kiwi got upset with the Greek owner of a take-away,because the Greek always laughed at him whenever he ordered his "fush und chups".So the Kiwi takes elocution lessons and develops a Kiwi-free Australian accent. Six months later he runs in to the take-away and says "Give me some FISH AND CHIPS you greek bastard!" . The bloke behind the counter says,"you're a kiwi aren't you mate?"The kiwi is amazed and asks "but how did you know that? I no longer speak with a kiwi accent." The bloke behind the counter says "Mate,we've been a Hardware store for the past 4 months!"
A Pom,a Jew and an Arab are sitting quietly in a doctor's waiting room,A fly buzzes in and starts harassing the Pom,he says "Get away from you horrid creature".The fly continues past the Jew and heads towards the Arab who,quick as lightning,whips out his hand,catches the fly in mid-air and pops it into his mouth and eats it.A few minutes later,another fly buzzes in and completely ignores the Pom and starts hassling the Jew.Just as fast as the Arab,the Jew snatches up the fly and turns to the Arab and says "Shalom my friend,you look hungry.Would you care to buy a fly?"
Morty was a devout and pious Jew,he kept all the teachings of the Torah yet he had no luck in life and was always flat broke.One day he waves his fist to the heavens and cries "O Lord,why have you forsaken me?Have I not kept the Sabbath? Have I not been the very model of a Hebrew?Why will you not give me some good fortune?".
A loud voice from above starts speaking,"Morty,bubbelah,you know I love you,but meet me half way at least.Buy a lottery ticket!"
Replies
"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
According to the theory of relativity
If you run around a tree at close to the speed of light
You can F%^^ yourself
When he stands next to your wife and says her hair smells nice
Dress her up as an alterboy
no how to get a nun pregant? you f#ck her
Sum ting wong
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says angrily: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this as if you understand Japanese!
Apparantely you'll read anything as long as it is about sex. Erotic sex, Highly erotic sex, Highly Japanese erotic sex:
You need help!!
Q: What do you call a Greek man parachuting? A: Con-descending.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
What do call a bloke lying in a pile of leaves? Russell.
What do you call a one-legged woman? Eileen.
What do you call a Chinese one-legged woman? Irene'
What do you call a good looking Leb? Azif.
What do call a drunk Led?Hammad.
What do you call an even drunker Led? Mohammad.
What do call a Leb between two buildings? Ali.
How do get 50 dead babies off the back of a ute? With a pitchfork.
What's Kermit's finger smell of? Pork.
What's green and lies in the bottom of your dunny?Kermit the bog.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.
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