Dear Wests Tigers board, well, what’s left of it anyway,
My name is Elliott Richardson and I understand that you are in search of a General Manager of Football Operations. Better known as the Gus Gould role.
I feel as if I am rather qualified for the position.
First off, I am rather skilled in undermining my superiors, I feel as if I can offer plenty of guidance to Robbie Farah in this department. His attempt at undermining Mick Potter was rather amateur.
Trying to have Potter sacked by speaking with Gorden Tallis would be like trying to explain the obstruction rule to Ben Ikin. Pointless and counterproductive to your aim.
Secondly, and I feel this is a rather important issue, I’m not Tim Sheens or Brian Smith.
Furthermore, I have a history of underwhelming performances since I closed a significant partnership for my previous employers in 2005. I believe that fits in rather well with the current side’s form.
Being from out Parramatta way I can provide plenty of guidance on board room issues. My first objective would be to appoint two former footballers, a shady property developer and a group of unqualified businessmen to the board to sell off the club’s assets (Does Balmain still have assets to sell?). That should get things rolling.
I’m also a keen supporter of having a conflict of interests and believe that I can form a strong relationship with Benny Elias on this front.
I understand that Balmain is a little strapped for cash. Not to worry, I’m happy to be paid through Rozelle Village. Just let Backdoor Benny know.
I believe that we should really be looking at the long-term future of the playing squad as well. I therefore propose that the club investigate instituting a five year plan.
I know of two highly qualified coaches in this area: Ricky Stuart and Stephen Kearney. Both are experts in asking for time and creating excuses, which are prerequisites for a five year plan.
I’d also like to see the club invest in an upgrade of Leichhardt Oval. I believe that the Tigers will be well served in seeing this become a reality due to their previous affiliation with Nick Di Girolamo. A couple of bottles of Penfold’s Grange should get the proposal through parliament.
Last but not least I’d like to bring aboard Steve “Blocker” Roach with me in an advising capacity. He’d be able to inform me on which staff members report bullying to Human Resources.
Thank you very much for your time.
Yours Sincerely,
Elliott Richardson.
I await your reply.
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