One evening, the old farmer decided to take a walk to the pond, since it had been a while since he had been there. He took a large white bucket to collect some fruit on the long walk to the remote area.
As he approached the pond, he heard voices laughing and shouting with joy. As he walked further, he saw that several young women were bathing naked in his pond.
He made his presence known, and they all moved to the deep end. One of the girls shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old farmer frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you girls swim naked or get you out of the pond without your clothes on."
Holding up his bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."
Some old men can still think quickly.
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Liked it pops, was that one of Jethros?
I heard this one last nite. An elderly chap is down at the pub, holding court as many old soldiers do, and realised he was running out of coin. He said to his cohorts, hey boys look at all those photos displayed on the wall of killed game skins and pelts taken from long ago safaris. I'll bet you I can not only name the animal who owned each skin but tell you how they were killed.for a Schooner a go! " Allright you cocky know-all youre on."
The old bloke smiles and checks out the hole in the first skin and says "thats a leopard and he's been killed with a spear." Right you old prick here's your beer!
He moves to the second skin, peers intently at the tear and declares, "thats a cougar and its been killed by an arrow." You lucky git, fair do's, cop your schooner.
And so it goes until closing time, the old bloke's so pissed he can hardly stand up, but like everyone else he has to head home.
Arriving home he stumbles up to the bedroom, sees his wife asleep in bed and decides to cop a feel by putting his hand inside her pyjama bottoms but then falls on the bed in a drunken stupor dead to the world.
He wakes in the morning feeling worse for wear and notices he has a black eye. His wife appearsand he says, "Gee I must have got into a fight at the pub last nite and got this black eye." Oh no the wife replies, I gave you that cause when you came home last night you went the grope and shouted, "A skunk......killed with a tomahawk!"
LOL Richard.
There is a sentence in your first paragraph that will set the boys amongst us just the same!
i.e Allright you cocky know-all youre on."
I haven't been called a cocky know all for at least 24 Hours
That was deliberate Pops, I know you love the back and forth, and I enjoy seeing you mow them down, and like several other amigo's here, this site would be bland without your sometimes pompous retorts. You guard that wall and I can sleep soundly at nite now any more funny stories.
Thanks Richard,
This is an example of a lecture I have had several times. .......LOL
Ron Chestna, who’s 89 years young, got pulled over by the police around 2 a.m.
The officer asked him, "Where are you off to at this hour?"
Ron responded, "I’m heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse, its effects on the body, plus smoking and being out late."
The officer, a bit taken aback, asked, "Seriously? Who's giving a lecture like that at this time?"
With a totally straight face, Ron replied, "That would be my wife." 😂
Sometimes, the best lessons in life come when you least expect them!
That wasn't really me of course, if it was "gambling" would be in there as well...LOL
I symphatise with that guy, whoever he is.....I would never stand from sermons from wifey, chuckle.
Here's an encounter of another kind.
This actually happened.
This is the transcript of an radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Americans: 'Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collison.
Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is a Captain of a U.S. navy ship - I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: This is seaman - second class, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
Sounds like a one eyed eel discourse .....Mickey to Wiz.....please move your arse Wizard, Wizard to Mickey, I would Mickey but I can't feel a thing.....that's alright Wiz, what ever you say Buddy!
Don't worry but that Lighthouse is getting closer, but we can go down together.
An Old Man was eating at a Diner, when 3 menacing bikers entered.
The first biker put his cigarette out in the old man's pie the second guy picked up the old man's glass of milk and spat in it. The third tipped his plate over before joining the others.
Without saying a word to the bikers, the old man left his money on the table, got up and left. One of the bikers, laughing, said to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just crushed three motorcycles with his truck!"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister,’‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to meet me with the trailer hitched to the back of the pick-up truck so we can haul it home.’’
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she walks to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’’
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, ‘‘It’s just 99 cents a word.’’
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ‘‘I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’’’
The telegraph operator shakes his head. ''How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?"
The brunette explains, ‘‘My sister’s blonde. She’ll read the word slow.’’
Haha ! Cracker
PS I can do better!
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