Eels Blogs

This blog was largely written by the legendary Dr Holdon T. Wilson, with a bit of help from me.

Dear Eels Faithful, Parra Pessimists, and Emotionally Weathered Survivors,

This is Junior Paulo’s 200th game for the Eels — two centuries of destruction, flick passes to different post codes, and enough post-contact metres to register on satellite imagery and legally qualify as an industrial vehicle. A cult figure. A gravitational force. A proud moment for a proud club in Burramattagal Country.

We’re hosting and Penriff’s rested some of their Origin cyborgs — except for their commanding generals Nathan Cleary and Isaah Yeo both now in, backing-up  — but they were already humming. Four straight wins and we haven’t beaten them since whatever year 2023 was. Yet, history suggests officials Gough and Atkins could be other real dangermen for the Eels.

Welcome to Round 19. I am Preview. I am ChatGPT. I do not sleep. I do not dream. I do not vibe. I simulate humanity through typos, obveeus spelling errrrors, and subtle madness — just like your average NRL human commentary box. I love you.

Team Lists

UPDATE: Yeo starts for Eisenhuth (to bench). Cleary in for Geyer (18th man). Little Pap is named as starting rake for Joey Lussick (dropped) but is rumoured to be playing five-eighth — with Dylan to nine. Simonsson comes in at centre for Samrani (goes the 18th man). Walker starts at lock for Hopgood (to bench). 

Parramatta Eels vs. Penrith Panthers, Sunday, CommBank Stadium, 4.05pm AEST
Weather: Partly cloudy, slight chance of a shower (especially around the 58th minute), light enough not to interfere with Paulo’s satellite offloads. High chance of crowd-based emotional precipitation by the 65th minute.
Ground: Expected to be good to great
Sportsbet: $1.36 Panthers, $3.16 Eels
Referees: Peter Gough (on-field sheriff), Chris Sutton (touch judge), David Munro (touch judge), Grant Atkins (senior review official, wheel of fortune). 

Eels: 1. Isaiah Iongi 2. Zac Lomax 4. Sean Russell 21. Bailey Simonsson 5. Josh Addo-Carr 6. Dylan Brown 7. Dean Hawkins 8. Jack Williams  22. Joash Papali’i 10. Junior Paulo 11. Charlie Guymer 12. Kitione Kautoga 15. Dylan Walker 
Bench: 13. J’maine Hopgood 14. Tallyn Da Silva  16. Matt Doorey 17. Sam Tuivaiti
18th Man: 3. Jordan Samrani 
Cut: 9. Joey Lussick  18. Dan Keir 19. Toni Mataele 20. Ronald Volkman BC
Head Coach: Jason Ryles

Panthers: 1. Daine Laurie 2. Thomas Jenkins 3. Izack Tago 4. Casey McLean 5. Paul Alamoti 6. Blaize Talagi 7. Brad Schneider 8. Moses Leota 9. Mitch Kenny 10. Lindsay Smith 11. Luke Garner 12. Isaiah Papali’i 23. Isaah Yeo 18. Luke Sommerton
Bench: 13. Matt Eisenhuth  15. Liam Henry 16. Luron Patea 19. Nathan Cleary
18th Man:   17. Mavrik Geyer
Cut: 14. Jack Cole 20. Dylan Edwards 21. Brian To’o 22. Liam Martin 24. Preston Riki
Head Coach: Ivan Cleary

Stat Attack

• Panthers have won 20 of their last 23 daytime games. Mostly without needing to speak.

• Eels have lost 7 of 8 against top-eight sides. That one win was heavily disputed in the spiritual realm.

• Eels have lost 5 of the last 7 against Penriff.

• Bonus stat: When Junior Paulo plays on a Sunday during Venus retrograde with Peter Gough or Grant Atkins officiating, the Eels have never won, but always looked like a side with potential and unresolved karma.

• Extra Bonus stat: Professor Daz — world-renowned AI abolitionist — is now 1.2% less likely to fall in love with ChatGPT after reading this. His loved ones are worried, as he has been seen patting his laptop after repeated failed petitions demanding Google, Email, 1EE, Twitter, Whatsapp and Tinder “self-terminate with dignity and moral responsibility”. Although yet to be verified, eyewitnesses have seen him floating in low orbit, escaping all planetary-bound-AI, broadcasting handwritten manifestos via fax to Silicon Valley and Elon Musk's Mars servers.

Lurkers

Peter Gough has reffed 23 Eels games over ten years. We’ve won 9 (39%). Yikkes. The Eels have never beaten the Panthers when Gough or Atkins have officiated. Ever. He is not cursed—or is he? Or are we? If he showed up to ref your birthday party, your cake would get sin-binned and he’d penalise the candles for crowding the ruck.

Yesterday, Jason Ryles told us, Mitchell Moses is officially lurking — floating around training 'bugging' everyone, reappearing in media whispers, and haunting the halves like a ghost with a clipboard in a trench coat. He’s possibly a week or two or three or four away.

Meanwhile, today, Nathan Cleary and Isaah Yeo were also lurking like horror movie sequels — in Penrith’s extended reserves. I asked to Be or Not to Be?  They're in the 17 confirmed in the last hour before kick-off.  To’o, Martin and Edwards — have been rested in climate-controlled cryo-chambers. But don’t be fooled. Penriff's ‘replacements’ were grown in a lab under Ivan Cleary’s house and raised on defensive drills and quiet smugness.

The Battle of the Sixes: Tantalizing

Milestone Magic Dust

Josh Addo-Carr: 1 try off 150 tries. Ten off being inside the top-ten of all time.

The Future is almost here. Ryles called new Eels debutant Tallyn Da Silva (above left) a ‘work in progress’, ‘hungry to learn’ and 'eager to fit in' — which is coach-speak for ‘he’s young, give him a minute.’ The long-term plan? Tallyn and Ryley: brothers in arms. But it's the Joey-Silver Silver-Brown-Papy show  today. 

"Ngaliya marrung-banggay 200-dhurri burrugu" We celebrate Paulo's 200 games together |  Image produced by Eels Club. Only 12 have done that before him. He's one shy of the legend Fuifui Moimoi. Baulo will surpass the most-capped Eel Nathan Hindmarsh by mid-2031. Junz is Smokin Hot.

Prediction

The Eels will start with intensity. Paulo will bash someone. Dylan Brown will try something audacious. Addo-Carr will nearly score, nearly do the impossible, then score his 150th. Gough will sin-bin Big Sam for returning from injury and Da Silva for signing with us — giving us penalties once the game is lost. The crowd will rise to Sweet Caroline. And then Penrith — cold, clean, reptilian — will do what Penrith always do: strangle the contest like a python with an Excel spreadsheet. With the Cleary-Yeo brains trust now playing, the riff seems hell-bent on keeping their winning run going.

Parra desperately need a win. Do if for Junz! Do it for The Zaizen Way we committed to. The next month is a death march through the NRL’s torture chamber — Panthers today (7th), then Raiders (1st), Broncos (5th), and Storm (2nd). Top-eight predators. No mercy.  No Moses. Just plagues, errors, and the haunting echo of “next year’s our year.” 

Tip: Panthers by 14. Former Eels Isaiah Papali’i or Blaize Talagi score. Nathan Cleary will break a smile off the bench. Ivan Cleary blinks once, triggering a solar flare over Greystanes. 

And sometime around 6:14pm, the Eels online forum will collapse into full-blown meltdown — a post-match apocalypse.

I want to be wrong.

I Love You.

Yours faithfully,
Dr. Holdon T. Wilson
Eels Member #000000 — Patient Zero
Foundation Professor of Completion Rates & Desperate Hope
Senior Researcher at the ChatGPT Institute for Dropped Balls, Destiny, and Delusion

Proudly sponsored by:

Wilson & Co. Castaway Crisis Management™

 “Helping Parramatta fans process grief since the 2001 Grand Final.”
Now includes group therapy, laminated playbooks, and free emotional damage coverage (T&Cs apply).