Parramatta Eels are the NRL’s basket case — so how the club’s future be saved?

Wonderful.

But given the way they’re accumulating wooden spoons ... well, where will they fit the trophy?

Once unbeatable in even 80s Tooheys commercials, Parramatta are now teetering somewhere between worrying and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Here is a club whose salary cap is illegal. Whose boardroom resembles the final scenes of Reservoir Dogs.

And as for the fella capable of fixing their on-field woes? Sorry, but Jarryd Hayne has taken the easier out — trying to make an NFL roster.

So what’s the Matter Parramatta? And can it be fixed?

Here, League Central breaks everything down ...

MONEY: Kelly dropped to make Parra for the cap

THE HAYNE PLANE

JARRYD Hayne left the NRL to chase a dream. And good for him.

But how does a club adapt when its reigning Dally M medallist — and arguably the most gifted athlete of the modern era — simply walks out on a whim?

In short: You don’t.

Sure, Parramatta have relied too heavily on Hayne for too long. But you don’t reckon Brad Arthur knew this?

It’s why the Eels coach, since arriving 18 months back, has been implementing a program that, next year alone, will see 75 per cent of his squad aged under 25. Elsewhere, Arthur has a gun schoolboy halves pairing in the U/20s and a handful of promising teens — including fullback Bevan French — playing NSW Cup.

The coach also needs to fast-track an NRL side that, in the past two years, has debuted 29 players. And, no, a Hayne clone may not be among them. But Arthur believes the club’s future most certainly is.

COMPLETIONS

PARRAMATTA could be mistaken for a Lotto draw, so often do balls hit the deck around them.

According to Fox Sports Statistics, the Eels completion rate is only 72 per cent this year — lower than every other club bar the Roosters. Worse, the Slipperies have enjoyed an even share of possession or better only once in 11 games.

All of which means more defence. Tired players. Fewer points. Indeed, to win an NRL game you need 18 points. Yet no team has been restricted to a points spread of 0-16 more than the Eels.

Only three times this season have Parramatta scored more than 18 points in a game — and they’ve won all of them.

Obviously the arrival of New Zealand No.6 Kieran Foran will make a huge difference in 2016.

PRESSUE

PUT simply, the Eels aren’t building any.

Of all the attacking statistics poured over by League Central, arguably the most telling is that Parramatta force only one drop out per game — worse than every other NRL club bar Penrith, whose playmakers Peter Wallace and Jamie Soward have missed a significant chunk of the season.

While the Eels find decent field position, a mixture of inexperience and poor fifth tackle options are costing them the chance to build pressure and earn points.

Also hampering them is a lack of penalties. In 2015, only the Roosters earn fewer per match.

DEFENCE

PARRAMATTA have conceded 258 points already this year — not only the most in the NRL but more than twice that of defensive specialists St George Illawarra.

And like NRL footballers on Mad Monday, they’re leaking everywhere.

Apart from conceding 12 tries in the middle (placing them 15th in the NRL) they have also let in 12 on the left wing (15th) and another dozen on the right (12th).

Players keep saying they want to play for coach Brad Arthur but where is the proof? While NSW enforcer Beau Scott will strengthen the side next year, defence is attitude and the Eels are lacking.

SALARY CAP

PARRAMATTA are still paying cash to Englishman Lee Mossop. Can you believe it?

For a start, he’s in Wigan. Worse, this is the same bloke who arrived in 2013 to reveal how, err, did you lads not know my shoulder is busted?

Before playing a game, Mossop underwent surgery, missed a heap of weeks, returned, played three times ... then busted a shoulder.

All up, the Eels have spent six years paying for players no longer on their books, including $1 million in the past two winters alone. The mess has compromised coach Arthur’s ability to select teams. But the solution? Ummm, don’t pay players who are with the opposition. Or in England. Next year, for the first time since 2009, this will be the case.

GOALKICKING

MICK Cronin is 63 and has one good eye ... but you’d still back the legendary Eel to toe poke against this current lot.

So far this year Chris Sandow is kicking at 58 per cent, Reece Robinson 60 per cent while poor old Luke Kelly is zero from three.

In the past two weeks alone, Parramatta have attempted seven kicks against South Sydney and the Warriors — and missed all of them. One game they lost in Golden Point. The other by two.

Privately, the Eels coaching staff believe wayward kicking has cost them four wins — or eight competition points.

THE BOARD

NOTHING bores NRL fans quite like a board story. So we’ll keep this brief.

Yes, the Eels hierarchy has in recent times resembled a preschool sand box. But given the incumbent board has just been comprehensively re-elected despite their side running last ... well, if Pricey, Fitzy and co. can’t crack it for a spot now, when?

Guaranteed for the next two years, this Eels mob should forget talking up premierships in the paper and actually go about creating systems to, say, not win a third wooden spoon in four years.

CHOC WATMOUGH

ANTHONY Watmough is headed for his worst NRL season ever.

Signed amid much fanfare, the ageing enforcer is currently averaging around 80m per game in attack — the first time in 11 years he looks set to finish a season under triple figures.

While his effort could never be questioned, Choc has seemingly lost the barnstorming game that saw his most recent season averages read: 110m, 125m and 108m. Worse, the 31-year-old has been dumped from the NSW side and busted only six tackles in 11 games. In 20 appearances last year, he broke 37 tackles.

Parramatta should also be getting far more from fellow top earners Chris Sandow and Will Hopoate, who receive over $1 million between them.