I just wanted to update you with a secret email I received from Paul Osborne today. Now if you are not a member of 1 Eyed Eel please turn away as what I am about to share is highly privileged information.
The players are currently enjoying their last couple of weeks of annual daily hangovers before having to sober up to prepare for their 2011 campaign, while everyone else has been working hard to ensure they have every opportunity to get re elected or at least keep their jobs. I want to thank you for all the support The Ken has had this year, and it's very heartening to know that even though the Eels didn't make the finals in 2010 they still have at least 3000 readers locked in so far for the Daily Telecrap for next year. Advertising sales have also been good and because many of these suckers locked in for a few years after the Eels made the GF in 09 we are well ahead of plan.
Indeed, 2010 had a lot more Crapper than anyone could have imagined and I'm sure it had a lot to do with the club meeting no ones expectations on and off the field. After the completion of 2010 we all now know to lower our expectations considerably so as to not be so disappointed next time. I'm not sure if you know or not but Head Coach Daniel Anderson is no longer with us. He has decided to take a year off with full pay but not to worry we have appointed a temporary replacement in the current Shabangabang Test Coach Stephen Kearney. I know I speak on behalf of 10% of all supporters and about half of the players when I wish Daniel and his family the best holiday possible and thank him for getting us to the Grand Final last year and sweet FA this year.
Stephen comes to our club as a man with tremendous contacts and even has the same manager as Cooper Cronk by some strange co incidence. His pied piper skills we are hoping will work overtime and much better than when he was pretty much a failure as a test captain back in the day. He certainly managed to beat the useless Poms but could never get the wood on Australia. It took the ever heroic Captain Nathan Cayless to lead the way to victory in the 2008 Centenary World Cup but SK could only sit and watch from the sidelines dreaming of what could have been. Others recognised he needed some serious help coaching the sheep shaggers so they got Wayne Bennett (who isn't good enough to be considered the great Jack Gibson's shadow) to help out but still let him take all the credit. Stevey also enjoyed an apprenticeship with a corrupted club in Victoria, who was stripped of their premierships, under the grumpiest and worst NSW coach in the history of State of Origin, Craig Bellyache.
All the same Stephen has taken up his position although he really can't do bugger all until until the Three Nations and Two Other Islands of Australia series is completed near the end of Mo vember. He brings with him from the Storm Brad Arthur as Assistant Coach and hopefully a few others will follow him like sheep. However, last years coaching and 'back-room team' in Sharpy, Cam, Knowlesy, Catt, Siro, Rocket and Holmesy are all feeling a little uneasy and dusting off their resumes just in case.
The players have decided to go on the wagon during the week when Movember starts and I believe we have the playing roster to get a top 11 finish in 2011. Indeed we will field seven full internationals who will all be a year older in Hindy (who never tires all the same), Jarryd Hayne ( hope his hammy hangs in or we are wooden spooners), Tahu (If I remember where I put his contract) ,Webb (hasn't been a long time between drinks or hotdogs) , Maitua (we should get a few weeks out of him), Eric Grothe (lucky his old man had a word in my ear), and Fui Fui (when his plaster comes off), two others have played SOO Mannah and Poore, plus Joel Reddy (bung shoulder and a new wife like he's going to have much energy), Luke Burt (still having nightmares about that kick) and Ben Smith (played cricket for Gillard's 11 or something). We are still in the market for another player or two and have a lazy million to throw at them if you know any halfbacks looking for a gig.
Another exciting development is a book called The Club is History for next season. Respected Author Ken Crapper (the world's leading media consultant) has updated his book Won Sweet FA since 1986 which he will just add another chapter to at the end of 2011 like he has done for the past quarter of a century.
We will also have our very popular Members Day (Fans who pay only) in the weeks before next season's kick off and our Digital Media Unit will be giving 1 Eyed Eel a run for their money once they finish the 2 week Tafe course in how to use a computer.
Lastly Nathan Hindmarsh is the legend you chose (the members who pay) as the Supporters Player of the year for 2010, beating Jarryd and Timmy. Nathan will be presented with his award which will end up as a doorstop in his garden shed when the players return f or training. We encourage you all to go online after each match and vote next year instead of just having your usual player bashing sessions.
Again thanks for the ongoing support I get from a couple of my kids friends on the site and I hope you all join The Swarm before next season when we kick off against a couple of our prodigal sons and actually enjoy watching Feleti and Krisnan drop the ball for a change.
P.S In regards to this years crowd figures, I'd like to clarify that someone stuffed up. We didn't have a record season and we are not likely to next year either. Oh well. Them's the breaks. It was however the best figures we have had since last year.
Yours sincerely
Ozzy
Note : This is best read in conjunction with the official email sent to all members today.
I'm Ken Crapper
Replies
I think you jotted that down in the crapper,didn't you? ROFPML
THE CRAPPER CHRONICLES.
Your like a cask of wine Ken.
Always leave us with gut and head aches.
TeeHee.
Crap form start to Crap Finish.
Crappy and crap
A Pulitzer CRAP Prize in any Crap athon awards nite.
Sheer utter Crap.
I'm Terminator Crapper
and I know Crap
WELL DONE SIR !
Ben Smith (played cricket for Gillard's 11 or something) LOL.. classic..
Be careful now, the club might get upset for forwarding secret emails to the public.
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