1Eyed View

After months of negotiation, 1Eyed Eel has managed to tap a direct line into the Eels - well, direct in so much as we got through to their PR department. The Parra flacks have agreed to answer all of the questions raised here on 1Eyed Eel with complete honesty and frankness. Welcome to the first installment of our new regular column Flack.

Let’s get straight to the story of the week. Why was Kane Evans’ shadow boxing while Dylan Napa was masturbating?

Look, I’ve spoken to Kane about this and he tells me that he was completely unaware that Big Papa was basting the turkey during one of his boxing work-outs. That said, and this is completely off the record of course, it was apparently a bit of a thing over there at the Roosters to optimise team bonding by mixing sexual self gratification with training sessions. However, I’m told Cooper Cronk put a stop to all that business after he got stuck to the weights bench during last year’s pre-season training.

So you’re saying that Blake Ferguson’s foot infection is unrelated?

Look, what Blake and his foot got up to prior to him joining Parramatta is none of our business and not something we had any control over. His foot is being looked after by our expert medical staff and Blake has also been reminded that what is considered acceptable recreational behaviour over in the Eastern Suburbs isn’t really on-trend here in the West. BA really encourages the boys to keep it simple and straightforward on and off the paddock.

Anyway, to get back to your original point, I can confirm Eels players are strictly forbidden from burping the worm at all Parramatta training sessions.

It was reported today that Michael Jennings is unwanted and could start the year in reserve grade. Any truth in that?

Look, Michael is a respected and valued member of our squad and we have complete faith in his talents and abilities. However, the reality is we can only put down the names of 17 players onto that Round One team sheet, and the competition for places is intense. I mean if you look at our roster - let me just pull out the names here of all our other specialist centres… hang on… two secs…no, that can’t be right… nope… look, I’m sorry this list here must be incomplete. Let me come back to you on that one.

So you’re confident Jennings will see out his contract?

I can confirm that we are completely positive that a Jennings will see out his contract?

Michael?

Yes, Michael is a Jennings

Will Michael Jennings see out his contract?

Look, we’re just going around in circles now, let’s move on.

It would seem strange that we’re letting go of senior players - Corey Norman for example, and now potentially Jennings - without seeming to have any strategy to replace them?

Look, we definitely have a strategy.

What is it?

A strategy is kind of like a plan but with less accountability.

No, I mean what is our strategy?

Look, are you suggesting we don’t have a strategy? We have lots and lots of strategies. We just did a whole football review and we’ve got a new general manager of football. Let me tell you, this place is crawling with strategy. The board wanted a strategy and so we’re 100 percent committed to delivering strategies. We even replaced the old overhead projector with a whiteboard, because whiteboards are just far more conducive to drawing up strategies. But Rome was not built in a day. We can’t just have a strategy for absolutely everything overnight. You have to remember, this is completely new to the club.

So we don't have a strategy to replace any of these outgoing players?

I didn’t say that. You’re twisting my words, let’s move on.

How is pre-season training, going?

Look, I’ve kind of been pretty busy drawing on the whiteboard recently, so I’m still catching up on some of the minutia happening around the club. Hang on, let me just check The Cumberland Throw… two secs... Says here, it’s been the toughest pre-season ever. That sounds about right. Let’s go with that.

Finally, there’s been some confusion and disquiet on our site about membership packs coming in as bits and pieces? Is there any reason each family can’t just get one pack with everything in it?

Look, we know our members get tremendously excited when they open up their letter boxes and receive anything from the Eels - our Membership Council told us so - so why limit that experience to just once a year. At Parramatta, we’re all about maximising membership value, so if we can send out three, four, five packages, I say, let’s do it!

Got any burning questions you want answered by the club. Leave your comments here and we’ll make sure they get answered in the next installment of Flack.